Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Raw Confessions

My friend, Max (Lucado). He really gets me.

I am certain that he writes some things just for my benefit even though he has no idea that I am alive. Call it what you want. I choose NOT to call it obsession :)

Anyway, today I read this and it really slapped me across the face.

"Accept the goodness of Jesus Christ. Abandon your own works and accept His. Abandon your own decency and accept His. Stand before God in His name, not yours."

I could cry right now. My emotions are definitely at the surface tonight. Why? Because I have such little faith. Yeah...I have my moments of having more faith than I knew a person could have, but most of the time I have such little faith that it is embarrassing. It really disgusts me.

I do not care much about "my own works" and "my own decency". Honestly, I would rather be invisible when it comes to being given credit for any thing good...whether it is helping an older woman find her car in a parking lot, feeding a child that hasn't eaten in days or spending the day cuddling with my own child because he just needs one on one time with his mom. Recognition is not something that makes me all giddy inside...and public recognition? That is something that I can hardly handle at all. What really got me was, "Stand before God in His name, not yours."

That is what I have a problem with and I have just about let it take over my entire life in the last 3 days.

I do not want to leave my son to travel to Guatemala. I do not want to be away from my husband for even a week. I am afraid. I can't do this. What was I thinking?

But it isn't about me. It never has been. It never will be. I am not here to be glorified, but to glorify. I am not here to live for myself, but to live for Him. I am standing before God and desperately trying to let go of my name so that I can stand in His. This fear is almost paralyzing. It is so easy to follow Him into wide open spaces when not much is going on in life, but it isn't so easy when you are facing new things, waves of panic and uncertainty.

This is all so simple really. It's just a mission trip and God willing, I will be back in a week. It isn't a trip around the world to "save" every orphan alive. It isn't something to make a big deal about. But it is the real start of one of my life long dreams and my passion come to life. It is the beginning of a call to return to Guatemala to serve vulnerable children, at risk families and orphans. And I am TERRIFIED because all I can think about is the fact that I have to leave my family. There are underlying issues here....I think I need therapy...and to pray A LOT more. ;)

I'm not sure why I am feeling the need to air my rawness to blog land tonight. I'm sure the awesome women traveling with me will probably land in Guatemala in a couple of days thinking I'm a real nutcase. I should probably consider being more private with this stuff...but what good would that be to other people leading mission trips that appear to be rock solid, but are really just as weak as I am?

His name. Not mine. His strength. His grace. I am covered.

Excited and praying against the fear.

Standing...trembling, but standing.

In His name.


Gina & Tommy said...

I immediately thought of this quote by Marianne Williamson when I read your post!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Praying for you,

C said...

You are not a "nutcase". I have had those same paralyzing fears. I needed this post so thanks for sharing.