I can't think of a title for this post because there is no way to sum up in a title what happened in Guatemala two weeks ago. I'm not sure if I can even sum it up in a blog post. Or two. Or three.
Here are the facts: We traveled to Guatemala a few weeks ago to distribute the first of many water filters, to work on some rebuilding from last year's mudslides and, as always, to do children's ministry. And that is what we physically did. But what happened during it all is what I cannot wrap up in a title or even one of my long winded blog posts.
Can I simply say that our time in Pueblo Nuevo was the most moving, most heart wrenching, most trust building, most loving, most incredible time in this village yet and have you understand what I mean? If I say that we have never felt more accepted, welcomed and loved there, would that make sense to those that have not experienced it? If I told you that I came back from Pueblo Nuevo even more in love with every single person there, from the friendliest of mothers to the homeless, drunk, witch that surely wants us to be cursed, would you believe me since I say that almost every time I return?
I so want those reading this to feel it and not just through my words on a computer screen. This has nothing to do with us. Of course I will write about and post pictures of the water filters and rebuilding projects and children's ministry, but there is so much more I wish others could see and feel beyond the physical side of a mission trip like this that you can only read about on a blog.
There is simply no way for me to describe the presence of God that is felt stronger with each step that you take up the side of a mountain into the uncertain and often times unknown. There is no way for me to describe how loud and clear the Holy Spirit speaks to remind us that THIS IS IT through the eyes of every child, through the smile of every mother, through the grasp of every hand. There is no way for me describe any of this, so for the first time I will not even try.
All I will say is that this trip began with high expectations and He far exceeded them. It ended with stronger, trusting relationships between us, our partners (Marco and Ledy) and many families in Pueblo Nuevo that until now have not been sure they should or could trust us. Every trip has been an incredible experience in some way and every trip's purpose has been served, but there was something about this trip that I will describe as being close to miraculous.
And even though that is the strangest ending to a blog post, that is where I have to end it because I have no other words to summarize this. Pictures and details will be posted soon...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Thoughts on Haiti
A steaming cup of coffee sits on the table next me. A newly turned four year old busily plays with all of his new toys a room away. He sings a song that he recently learned in Disney World and has started talking this morning about Christmas already. The TV plays in the background. I would usually be interested in world news, but today I just don't care.
Forty eight hours ago I was catching my last glimpse of Haiti through the window of a plane. I am ashamed to admit that I was happy to watch it fade away, as if the more distance that grew between my feet and the ground would make any kind of difference in the raw emotion that had not so subtly overtaken me.
I spent only 5 days in Haiti. A team of 17 people went there for one reason...to love orphans. I knew long before I arrived that the trip would be difficult for me. I knew what we would be doing. Puppet shows with the message of God's love, playing soccer, face painting, crafts and lots of hugs and hand holding. I was excited to be able to spend time with orphans in Haiti, but dreaded what just being there would do to me.
I expected to see devastation. I expected to see poverty on a scale much greater than I am used to in Guatemala. I expected to be disturbed and thought I was prepared for it. But the news is only photos and videos and the opinion of others and tent cities look a little different when seen through the lens of a camera. I expected to come back unchanged because I was already broken for those suffering around the world. Instead I came back shattered and barely able to speak about it at all.
There is no way to prepare for this and unless you have seen it first hand you will never truly understand it.
We spent time in five orphanages, one of which our church is partnered with and I have no doubt that the growing relationship we have with the pastor there will continue to be strengthened and lives will be changed because of it. As an advocate for orphans I expected the time we spent with the children to be what effected me the most. It was not. I enjoyed the time we spent with them, but everyone that knows me knows that what gets me the most are those vulnerable families that are on the brink of falling apart. Those families with children that without some type of intervention they will end up in orphanages, on the streets or dead. Those that struggle to survive. I loved the children, but every moment I ached to get outside of the walls of the orphanages. But that was not the purpose of this trip and I tried to push the thought of what was going on on the outside out of my mind.
Still, I can't.
I had no idea that tent cities (that are everywhere you look) would make such an impact on me. Knowing what goes on every night makes it hard for me to think about it, yet I have no right to feel the way I do because no matter how bad I know things are, I still have no idea what it is really like for those living it. In so many ways Haiti is just like what we are used to seeing in Guatemala. People wander the streets just wasting time. Many are unemployed, have no education and no safe place to rest. So many do not know where their next meal will come from. They are vulnerable to whatever the next disaster will be. The government is so corrupt that so many have no chance of ever seeing the other side of poverty. I am used to seeing street vendors lined up with their goods to sell and trying to bite my tongue when outsiders bring in all of the things that they are selling when we could be providing them with income instead. Because truly, just like Guatemala, every thing you need can be purchased in Haiti. There is no need to ship shoes, clothes, hygiene products, soccer balls, you name it. Every thing is there, on the streets, waiting to be purchased by someone that is trying support his family.
The crime is not the same as in Guatemala. I do not believe Haiti is as dangerous as Guatemala. There are gangs in the city, but nothing in comparison to those in Guatemala City and throughout the country. There are drugs there, but again, nothing like in Guatemala. But still, risk is everywhere and things have the potential to go horribly wrong all over the world. Haiti is no exception.
But even with it's similarities and the fact that overall it, in some way, is less "risky" than Guatemala, it is experiencing a small part of hell on earth. No one deserves to live the way people are living in Haiti. What bothers me the most is that even though I have seen it, I have no desire to go back.
I've talked to those closest to me, those who have a heart for missions like mine, and I know they are right when they say that I should not feel bad about not feeling the need to return to Haiti to work now, maybe never again. Our call to Guatemala is for sure. My pull to Cambodia has never faded. Those two I am certain about. But why when I know the need is there do I not feel called to work in Haiti other than on an occasional mission trip there and maybe not even that? Because I cannot be everywhere and it is so obvious that I am not called to spend a lot of time in Haiti despite the desperation there. A while back I wrote No Conditions. Now I get it. I had no idea then that I would travel to Haiti, but the Lord knew and I am clinging to Him knowing that it is OK for me to be feeling the way I am today. My heart is broken for the people of Haiti and I believe, as much as I hate to say it, that no organization has the answer and none of us are able to fix what has been so horribly broken. Without the Haitian people rising up, nothing will ever change and until then all we can do is pray and support the pastors there in their ministry efforts.
It may sound as if I regret visiting Haiti. I do not and I never will. Being there opened my eyes so much more to the needs of the world. That is what I prayed would happen, I just didn't realize it would be so intense. I was privileged to worship with people that have been through so much more than any of us and have an unbelievable faith and to wash the feet of one of the moms that has dedicated her life to the children in one of the orphanages. I did not deserve to ride around Haiti in an air conditioned bus, taking pictures of earthquake damage, rubble still piled on the road sides and looking into the eyes of people that surely wondered why we were there. I was blessed to have the dirtiest little hands braid my hair and to hear the sounds of the sweetest voices in a language I am not familiar with.
And I came back more certain than ever. I still need to see other parts of the world, but for now I have caught just a glimpse of what must be the worst of the worst. I love orphans and believe we have to care for them, but making sure vulnerable children never end up orphans is where the biggest part of my heart is. That means working to alleviate poverty. For us, that means physically working in Guatemala for now and praying for those that are called to other parts of the world and the countries where their hearts are.
I'm not sure when I will get pictures posted, but will try to do it soon for those that have asked.
Thank you for your prayers while we were in Haiti. Please continue to pray for our team as we continue to process this trip. And please, never forget Haiti.
Forty eight hours ago I was catching my last glimpse of Haiti through the window of a plane. I am ashamed to admit that I was happy to watch it fade away, as if the more distance that grew between my feet and the ground would make any kind of difference in the raw emotion that had not so subtly overtaken me.
I spent only 5 days in Haiti. A team of 17 people went there for one reason...to love orphans. I knew long before I arrived that the trip would be difficult for me. I knew what we would be doing. Puppet shows with the message of God's love, playing soccer, face painting, crafts and lots of hugs and hand holding. I was excited to be able to spend time with orphans in Haiti, but dreaded what just being there would do to me.
I expected to see devastation. I expected to see poverty on a scale much greater than I am used to in Guatemala. I expected to be disturbed and thought I was prepared for it. But the news is only photos and videos and the opinion of others and tent cities look a little different when seen through the lens of a camera. I expected to come back unchanged because I was already broken for those suffering around the world. Instead I came back shattered and barely able to speak about it at all.
There is no way to prepare for this and unless you have seen it first hand you will never truly understand it.
We spent time in five orphanages, one of which our church is partnered with and I have no doubt that the growing relationship we have with the pastor there will continue to be strengthened and lives will be changed because of it. As an advocate for orphans I expected the time we spent with the children to be what effected me the most. It was not. I enjoyed the time we spent with them, but everyone that knows me knows that what gets me the most are those vulnerable families that are on the brink of falling apart. Those families with children that without some type of intervention they will end up in orphanages, on the streets or dead. Those that struggle to survive. I loved the children, but every moment I ached to get outside of the walls of the orphanages. But that was not the purpose of this trip and I tried to push the thought of what was going on on the outside out of my mind.
Still, I can't.
I had no idea that tent cities (that are everywhere you look) would make such an impact on me. Knowing what goes on every night makes it hard for me to think about it, yet I have no right to feel the way I do because no matter how bad I know things are, I still have no idea what it is really like for those living it. In so many ways Haiti is just like what we are used to seeing in Guatemala. People wander the streets just wasting time. Many are unemployed, have no education and no safe place to rest. So many do not know where their next meal will come from. They are vulnerable to whatever the next disaster will be. The government is so corrupt that so many have no chance of ever seeing the other side of poverty. I am used to seeing street vendors lined up with their goods to sell and trying to bite my tongue when outsiders bring in all of the things that they are selling when we could be providing them with income instead. Because truly, just like Guatemala, every thing you need can be purchased in Haiti. There is no need to ship shoes, clothes, hygiene products, soccer balls, you name it. Every thing is there, on the streets, waiting to be purchased by someone that is trying support his family.
The crime is not the same as in Guatemala. I do not believe Haiti is as dangerous as Guatemala. There are gangs in the city, but nothing in comparison to those in Guatemala City and throughout the country. There are drugs there, but again, nothing like in Guatemala. But still, risk is everywhere and things have the potential to go horribly wrong all over the world. Haiti is no exception.
But even with it's similarities and the fact that overall it, in some way, is less "risky" than Guatemala, it is experiencing a small part of hell on earth. No one deserves to live the way people are living in Haiti. What bothers me the most is that even though I have seen it, I have no desire to go back.
I've talked to those closest to me, those who have a heart for missions like mine, and I know they are right when they say that I should not feel bad about not feeling the need to return to Haiti to work now, maybe never again. Our call to Guatemala is for sure. My pull to Cambodia has never faded. Those two I am certain about. But why when I know the need is there do I not feel called to work in Haiti other than on an occasional mission trip there and maybe not even that? Because I cannot be everywhere and it is so obvious that I am not called to spend a lot of time in Haiti despite the desperation there. A while back I wrote No Conditions. Now I get it. I had no idea then that I would travel to Haiti, but the Lord knew and I am clinging to Him knowing that it is OK for me to be feeling the way I am today. My heart is broken for the people of Haiti and I believe, as much as I hate to say it, that no organization has the answer and none of us are able to fix what has been so horribly broken. Without the Haitian people rising up, nothing will ever change and until then all we can do is pray and support the pastors there in their ministry efforts.
It may sound as if I regret visiting Haiti. I do not and I never will. Being there opened my eyes so much more to the needs of the world. That is what I prayed would happen, I just didn't realize it would be so intense. I was privileged to worship with people that have been through so much more than any of us and have an unbelievable faith and to wash the feet of one of the moms that has dedicated her life to the children in one of the orphanages. I did not deserve to ride around Haiti in an air conditioned bus, taking pictures of earthquake damage, rubble still piled on the road sides and looking into the eyes of people that surely wondered why we were there. I was blessed to have the dirtiest little hands braid my hair and to hear the sounds of the sweetest voices in a language I am not familiar with.
And I came back more certain than ever. I still need to see other parts of the world, but for now I have caught just a glimpse of what must be the worst of the worst. I love orphans and believe we have to care for them, but making sure vulnerable children never end up orphans is where the biggest part of my heart is. That means working to alleviate poverty. For us, that means physically working in Guatemala for now and praying for those that are called to other parts of the world and the countries where their hearts are.
I'm not sure when I will get pictures posted, but will try to do it soon for those that have asked.
Thank you for your prayers while we were in Haiti. Please continue to pray for our team as we continue to process this trip. And please, never forget Haiti.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Haiti: A Year Later
January 12, 2010. I sat on my couch with tear filled eyes, unable to believe what I was seeing as images of horror began to flicker across every news station. A small country already in turmoil shaken so violently that we all knew. Thousands upon thousands of lives had been lost. Families already living in extreme poverty had no where to go. Already overflowing orphanages had fallen with the infrastructure. And in the blink of an eye, more children became orphans. For days I sat there every chance I got, almost in a daze, obsessed with the information coming from Haiti. Not since the tsunami had I been so desperate to run into the disaster of a land unknown to me to do something, anything, to help.
As the weeks passed we wanted to find a way to help. Other than financially supporting our favorite organizations that were sending emergency relief to Haiti, we also wanted to be hands on and prayed for a way. We thought maybe even AAB could play a small role in the lives of Haitian orphans following this disaster. But it wasn't to be.
Through the year my heart has remained heavy for those still suffering in Haiti.
January 11, 2011. The night before "A Year Ago Today..." plays out in the media tomorrow, I sit here preparing that still heavy heart for my trip to Haiti.
On Feb. 24 I will travel to Haiti on a mission trip with our church and Global Orphan Project. We will be working with children in the Leogane village and children living in other orphanages throughout the area.
This is not an AAB trip, but it will be beneficial to the operation of AAB.
I am so excited about being led on a mission trip outside of Guatemala by people far more experienced than me. I have never been on an international mission trip outside of Guatemala and I have never been on a mission trip where I wasn't the team leader. It feels a little strange to be six weeks from traveling and having nothing to do but wait, pack and meet the rest of our team at the airport. This is going to be interesting and I'm pretty sure...amazing.
I can't wait to be filled with more knowledge. Seeing extreme poverty in another country first hand and spending time with these children while learning from more experienced directors and ministry leaders will help us be more effective in Guatemala.
More than that, I can't wait to wrap my arms around the precious children of Haiti. A year later.
As the weeks passed we wanted to find a way to help. Other than financially supporting our favorite organizations that were sending emergency relief to Haiti, we also wanted to be hands on and prayed for a way. We thought maybe even AAB could play a small role in the lives of Haitian orphans following this disaster. But it wasn't to be.
Through the year my heart has remained heavy for those still suffering in Haiti.
January 11, 2011. The night before "A Year Ago Today..." plays out in the media tomorrow, I sit here preparing that still heavy heart for my trip to Haiti.
On Feb. 24 I will travel to Haiti on a mission trip with our church and Global Orphan Project. We will be working with children in the Leogane village and children living in other orphanages throughout the area.
This is not an AAB trip, but it will be beneficial to the operation of AAB.
I am so excited about being led on a mission trip outside of Guatemala by people far more experienced than me. I have never been on an international mission trip outside of Guatemala and I have never been on a mission trip where I wasn't the team leader. It feels a little strange to be six weeks from traveling and having nothing to do but wait, pack and meet the rest of our team at the airport. This is going to be interesting and I'm pretty sure...amazing.
I can't wait to be filled with more knowledge. Seeing extreme poverty in another country first hand and spending time with these children while learning from more experienced directors and ministry leaders will help us be more effective in Guatemala.
More than that, I can't wait to wrap my arms around the precious children of Haiti. A year later.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
What it Means to Love
We are on day four of the new year and already this year is shaping up to be much different than the last. As I was driving home this evening I heard a song that I haven't heard in a while. If you've ever read more than a post or two here, you know how much I love music and how it moves me, even songs I may have heard a hundred times before and know by heart.
And so it was today.
"Now I no longer live for myself. Your words are so clear. Help me live it loud enough so they can hear. How could I go back to life as usual? How could I return to who I once was? I just want to take your story to the world 'cause you have shown me what it means to love."
As I listened it was almost as if it was written from my life, through the changes that have come over the last few years and how I desperately want to take this love that comes from Him and live it loudly because there is no way that I could go back to what I was before my eyes were opened to what true need is and before my heart was opened wide enough to really love.
2011 is going to be a very different year. It starts next month with a mission trip that will bring a new country stamp other than Guatemala to my passport and then what I expect to be an exciting and amazing Guatemala mission trip just two weeks later. My prayer...
"Lord, help me live it loud enough so they can hear..."
Facebook readers can view the video here.
And so it was today.
"Now I no longer live for myself. Your words are so clear. Help me live it loud enough so they can hear. How could I go back to life as usual? How could I return to who I once was? I just want to take your story to the world 'cause you have shown me what it means to love."
As I listened it was almost as if it was written from my life, through the changes that have come over the last few years and how I desperately want to take this love that comes from Him and live it loudly because there is no way that I could go back to what I was before my eyes were opened to what true need is and before my heart was opened wide enough to really love.
2011 is going to be a very different year. It starts next month with a mission trip that will bring a new country stamp other than Guatemala to my passport and then what I expect to be an exciting and amazing Guatemala mission trip just two weeks later. My prayer...
"Lord, help me live it loud enough so they can hear..."
Facebook readers can view the video here.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
No Resolutions...Just Choices
I CHOOSE LOVE...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.
I CHOOSE JOY...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I CHOOSE PEACE...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.
I CHOOSE PATIENCE...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
I CHOOSE KINDNESS...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.
I CHOOSE GOODNESS...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.
I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My husband will not question my love. And my child will never fear that his mother will not come home.
I CHOOSE GENTLENESS...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.
I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL...
I am a spiritual being...After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day (my year, my life). If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.
Max Lucado
When Love Whispers Your Name
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.
I CHOOSE JOY...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I CHOOSE PEACE...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.
I CHOOSE PATIENCE...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
I CHOOSE KINDNESS...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.
I CHOOSE GOODNESS...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.
I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My husband will not question my love. And my child will never fear that his mother will not come home.
I CHOOSE GENTLENESS...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.
I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL...
I am a spiritual being...After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day (my year, my life). If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.
Max Lucado
When Love Whispers Your Name
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sweet Dreams
For years I have dreamed almost nightly about Guatemala. The dreams were usually about people that I know there or children in general or just the country itself. With the exception of one recurring dream (that I haven't had in a long time) most were happy or sad, but never frightening. Those used to be my dreams.
For the last few months, maybe longer, I have had only nightmares. The only similarity to my old dreams is that they come frequently. Rarely have I seen the faces of people I know or have met in Guatemala. The children are never present. These are nightmares filled with horribly vivid violence. I am always alone in them (no team, no travel partner) and the only good thing I can say is that I always wake up right before I am killed. I wake up shaking and with a racing heart. For as long as they have been occurring I have been praying that they would stop. I longed for peaceful sleep. Sleep like I only experience when I am in Guatemala.
It came last night with the sweetest of dreams.
I assumed that we were in Guatemala, but we could have been anywhere I guess. There was so much that was familiar in the dream and so much that was not. We started out in a van traveling from the airport. We rode for hours before stopping at what appeared to be a jungle. I was confused when I asked the driver why we were stopping there. How would we get through? How would we know where to go? He took out his machete and told me that he would make a path and lead the way. He disappeared from sight and we could no longer hear him clearing a path. It looked like there would still be things in the way, obstacles to come, but we trusted him as we began walking.
There were three of us, me and two friends that are so precious to me. We knew our destination. It was many, many miles ahead. As we walked, we talked, laughed and cried. We rested, prayed and carried on. We looked forward to arriving at wherever we were going, but even with the obstacles we enjoyed the journey we had to take to get there. The path was winding and the end was far from sight, but we had such peace about the path we were walking that it didn't matter how long it would take to get there.
I woke up while we were still walking and laughing and breathed a sigh of relief. I woke up knowing that this was so much more than just a dream. It is my life, the way I want to live it. Stepping out into the unknown, trusting in the Lord's leading and His ability to clear the path and enjoying the journey, no matter what obstacles will come, with those that He allows me to walk with until we reach our final destination.
A better dream could not have come at a more perfect time than this.
For the last few months, maybe longer, I have had only nightmares. The only similarity to my old dreams is that they come frequently. Rarely have I seen the faces of people I know or have met in Guatemala. The children are never present. These are nightmares filled with horribly vivid violence. I am always alone in them (no team, no travel partner) and the only good thing I can say is that I always wake up right before I am killed. I wake up shaking and with a racing heart. For as long as they have been occurring I have been praying that they would stop. I longed for peaceful sleep. Sleep like I only experience when I am in Guatemala.
It came last night with the sweetest of dreams.
I assumed that we were in Guatemala, but we could have been anywhere I guess. There was so much that was familiar in the dream and so much that was not. We started out in a van traveling from the airport. We rode for hours before stopping at what appeared to be a jungle. I was confused when I asked the driver why we were stopping there. How would we get through? How would we know where to go? He took out his machete and told me that he would make a path and lead the way. He disappeared from sight and we could no longer hear him clearing a path. It looked like there would still be things in the way, obstacles to come, but we trusted him as we began walking.
There were three of us, me and two friends that are so precious to me. We knew our destination. It was many, many miles ahead. As we walked, we talked, laughed and cried. We rested, prayed and carried on. We looked forward to arriving at wherever we were going, but even with the obstacles we enjoyed the journey we had to take to get there. The path was winding and the end was far from sight, but we had such peace about the path we were walking that it didn't matter how long it would take to get there.
I woke up while we were still walking and laughing and breathed a sigh of relief. I woke up knowing that this was so much more than just a dream. It is my life, the way I want to live it. Stepping out into the unknown, trusting in the Lord's leading and His ability to clear the path and enjoying the journey, no matter what obstacles will come, with those that He allows me to walk with until we reach our final destination.
A better dream could not have come at a more perfect time than this.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
No Conditions
It has been so quiet here on the blog the last few weeks, but life has been zipping by at what seems to be a faster than normal pace. In just the last month we have prepared for and then postponed a major fundraiser, gone through shoulder surgery (Danny),celebrated a birthday (Danny again), spent much needed time together as a family (thanks to recovery time), rescheduled a Guate trip (more about that a little later), traveled to MS to speak on Orphan Sunday, tried to clean the house without total success, worked on water filter project plans, worked on everything else AAB, joined the Y, started one book and then another, celebrated our third Family Day, finished a Bible study, looked for a house closer to the city and then decided to stay put for a while longer, finally made the important pre-school decision and the list goes on and on. It never stops. I love the busyness of life, but with that busyness comes a mind that sometimes doesn't seem to be able to stop, not even for a moment. So often I find myself longing for a quiet, still mind and it never fails that during these times I think back to the occasions that I remember being just that. Quiet. Still. Restful. Sometimes I just want to stop..turn every thing off, shut it all down and be...still. I know that I long for moments like this because it is in those moments that I feel closer to God than ever. When moments like this come during my time in Guatemala (and they so often do because I intentionally make that time), it is even sweeter, if that is possible. So during all of the busyness over the last few weeks, I have also spent a lot of time reflecting on an evening in August.
On my last day in Guatemala in August, after visiting Hermano Pedro and another children's home, I walked into a very familiar hotel in Guatemala City with only one intention. To be still. I was originally scheduled on the earliest flight out the next day and arranged for a room at my favorite hotel to avoid an extremely early morning drive from Parramos to the airport. When my flight was changed to the afternoon, I kept my reservation because I felt like I needed that time. I remember telling a friend about the overwhelming feeling of needing to lock myself away and spend the night...just me and God. I spent weeks excited about this and throughout the entire trip, as awesome as it was, I continued to look forward to the stillness that was coming.
Once at the hotel, I had dinner at my favorite restaurant, picked up coffee and a pastry, made a few phone calls and chatted for a while with people that I love, took the longest, hottest shower of my life, put on the coziest PJs I own and crawled into a heavenly bed. For some that would have been the end of the night and so the case could have been for me and I would have declared it one of the most relaxing evenings ever. But I was there for so much more.
As I sat there I realized that what I had come for is what I was experiencing. There was absolutely nothing on my mind. It is rarely the case, but that night my mind was clear. There were no questions, no doubts. I had not gone there to spend time asking God for anything. There was nothing to ask for. I went to be still, knowing that I would feel His presence around me. I just wanted to worship Him. I wasn't expecting anything from Him. For once I wasn't even asking Him to speak to me. As I prayed, the words that escaped my lips were much different than they usually are. I did not ask for guidance or wisdom. I did not ask for clarity. I didn't ask for protection for me or my family and I did not even ask for forgiveness. I asked for nothing. Instead I just praised Him. His presence was so overwhelming that tears began to well in my eyes and quickly began to fall from them. It wasn't long before I was crying the most refreshing, cleansing cry. I can't explain it, but each tear that fell seemed to be the removal of something in me that needed to come out. I have no idea how long I sat there, praying and crying, but as suddenly as it started it ended with the most quiet whisper spoken to my soul.
"No conditions."
Sometimes the Lord speaks so quietly that if you are not paying attention, you may miss it. Other times He speaks so clearly that there is no denying it. That night, on a night when I did not expect to hear from Him, He spoke so clearly. There was no mistaking His voice. But I had no idea what He was talking about.
"No conditions? What does that mean?"
I began to think of so many miracles and things that a lot of people believe are unbelievable..."Let there be light," all of creation, from dust became man, water into wine, mud and saliva to sight, instant healing, walking on water, fish and loaves, God became man, the Cross, "He is risen!" In all of that, my thoughts were most heavily on the miracles of Jesus. People asked to be healed and they were healed. People didn't ask to be healed and He healed them anyway. If someone was hungry, He fed them. Thirsty? He gave them water. Unloved? He loved them. An outcast? He declared them friend. If there was a need, He met it. All the way to the Cross. He was despised by many, but poured out more love than this world had ever known. He didn't look away from the uncomfortable and unpleasant. No, He walked right up to whatever situation there was and with every step taught us what it means to serve and what it means to love. There is nothing He would have turned from. No need to great. No need too small. It didn't matter who you were or where you lived. It didn't matter what your religious beliefs were, if you didn't believe at all or if demons were involved. He walked into what was ugly and made it beautiful. Every time.
It became clear what He meant with the simple words "no conditions" though I couldn't fully grasp it until now and maybe not even still.
I admit it. There are times when I look at situations and think, "But things are so much worse (somewhere else)." There have been many times when I have questioned every thing from where we work in Guatemala to working in Guatemala altogether. Because aren't things "worse" in some other villages in Guatemala than the one AAB works in? And aren't things "worse" in some other countries than in Guatemala? These are questions that have brought confusion and doubt into my life more times than I want to think about. They are doubts that the enemy loves to stir.
Because what is "worse"?
Who has the worst life...the millionaire that lives in the U.S. and appears to have it all, but does not have hope in eternity because he does not know Christ or the poorest man in the world that has nothing and yet has everything because He trusts in the Lord?
It goes back to what I have always known AAB has to be. We have to meet physical needs and in every thing that we do, we have to share the love of Christ, making Him known wherever we are because there is no hope without Him. That is nothing new for us, but that night I was left with a new perspective.
Two years ago this month we announced that AAB would be officially "launched" early the next year. Two months later, we were rolling. Slowly, but we were on our way. Since then we have been turned upside down and inside out. I have never in my life experienced so much personal growth in such a short period of time and am thankful that growth continues. We started AAB not knowing anything about this and admittedly still have no idea how to do a lot of what needs to be done. Our feet have slipped, doubts have rocked us to the core, confusion has threatened to bring it all to an end. Through it all I have never felt closer to God and never have I heard His voice so clearly as I have over the past couple of years. That night He answered a question I had been asking Him for more than a year even though the question was far from my mind that night.
There are to be no conditions in serving. Not for AAB anyway. Never again am I to say, "but the need is so much worse in (name a country)." Because no, it's not. There may be more physical hunger in countries all over Africa and even in Guatemala. Three meals a week sounds like need to us, but it would be an answered prayer to some children. Rotting plywood walls, flooded dirt floors and almost non-existent tin roofs may be better shelter than tents in Haiti. Highly contaminated water is better than no water at all. Poverty in a developing country is poverty. There is no reason to compare it to another. Needs must be met. We are commanded to love and serve our brothers and sisters in Christ. If we know that one of our brothers or sisters is in need, we have to do whatever we can to help them. What better way than walking with them, helping them lift themselves out of poverty.
And then there are those that do not know Him. I can honestly say that years ago, way back when I dreamed of serving orphans and people in need, I never thought about this. Meeting physical needs was all I was concerned about. Isn't it amazing how He reaches in, wakes you up and makes His plan clear? It wouldn't matter if physical poverty were not an issue in Pueblo Nuevo. We would continue to go back. Because there are more people there than we first realized that do not know Him.
"No conditions." No matter how bad things appear. No matter what physical needs exist. No matter if someone is a Christian or not. No matter what anyone thinks or says. We have to follow Him. We have to do our best to do what He calls us to. And He calls us to do what He did. To walk into the ugly. To walk into the darkness. To fight for justice. To love the poor AND the rich. To meet physical AND spiritual needs. Whatever is needed. Above all, to bring His love to the nations. To make Him known. And it doesn't matter where.
After all, isn't that what He does for each of us? Loves us unconditionally? No matter what our needs are, no matter what we have done or haven't done, no matter where we live or the color of our skin? He has no conditions for loving us. Oh how thankful I am for such a love as this!
We love Guatemala. I cannot imagine God ever calling us to leave Guatemala completely. He may and if He does I will forever believe that His plans are better than ours, but with the heart we have for the people of Guatemala I cannot imagine that happening any time soon. I believe that we will always work in Guatemala. But there is more. I don't know where He will take us, but I do know that because He loves us without condition, He calls us to do the same. For now it is Pueblo Nuevo. A small village where the need is great...greater than we first realized and greater in more ways than one.
On my last day in Guatemala in August, after visiting Hermano Pedro and another children's home, I walked into a very familiar hotel in Guatemala City with only one intention. To be still. I was originally scheduled on the earliest flight out the next day and arranged for a room at my favorite hotel to avoid an extremely early morning drive from Parramos to the airport. When my flight was changed to the afternoon, I kept my reservation because I felt like I needed that time. I remember telling a friend about the overwhelming feeling of needing to lock myself away and spend the night...just me and God. I spent weeks excited about this and throughout the entire trip, as awesome as it was, I continued to look forward to the stillness that was coming.
Once at the hotel, I had dinner at my favorite restaurant, picked up coffee and a pastry, made a few phone calls and chatted for a while with people that I love, took the longest, hottest shower of my life, put on the coziest PJs I own and crawled into a heavenly bed. For some that would have been the end of the night and so the case could have been for me and I would have declared it one of the most relaxing evenings ever. But I was there for so much more.
As I sat there I realized that what I had come for is what I was experiencing. There was absolutely nothing on my mind. It is rarely the case, but that night my mind was clear. There were no questions, no doubts. I had not gone there to spend time asking God for anything. There was nothing to ask for. I went to be still, knowing that I would feel His presence around me. I just wanted to worship Him. I wasn't expecting anything from Him. For once I wasn't even asking Him to speak to me. As I prayed, the words that escaped my lips were much different than they usually are. I did not ask for guidance or wisdom. I did not ask for clarity. I didn't ask for protection for me or my family and I did not even ask for forgiveness. I asked for nothing. Instead I just praised Him. His presence was so overwhelming that tears began to well in my eyes and quickly began to fall from them. It wasn't long before I was crying the most refreshing, cleansing cry. I can't explain it, but each tear that fell seemed to be the removal of something in me that needed to come out. I have no idea how long I sat there, praying and crying, but as suddenly as it started it ended with the most quiet whisper spoken to my soul.
"No conditions."
Sometimes the Lord speaks so quietly that if you are not paying attention, you may miss it. Other times He speaks so clearly that there is no denying it. That night, on a night when I did not expect to hear from Him, He spoke so clearly. There was no mistaking His voice. But I had no idea what He was talking about.
"No conditions? What does that mean?"
I began to think of so many miracles and things that a lot of people believe are unbelievable..."Let there be light," all of creation, from dust became man, water into wine, mud and saliva to sight, instant healing, walking on water, fish and loaves, God became man, the Cross, "He is risen!" In all of that, my thoughts were most heavily on the miracles of Jesus. People asked to be healed and they were healed. People didn't ask to be healed and He healed them anyway. If someone was hungry, He fed them. Thirsty? He gave them water. Unloved? He loved them. An outcast? He declared them friend. If there was a need, He met it. All the way to the Cross. He was despised by many, but poured out more love than this world had ever known. He didn't look away from the uncomfortable and unpleasant. No, He walked right up to whatever situation there was and with every step taught us what it means to serve and what it means to love. There is nothing He would have turned from. No need to great. No need too small. It didn't matter who you were or where you lived. It didn't matter what your religious beliefs were, if you didn't believe at all or if demons were involved. He walked into what was ugly and made it beautiful. Every time.
It became clear what He meant with the simple words "no conditions" though I couldn't fully grasp it until now and maybe not even still.
I admit it. There are times when I look at situations and think, "But things are so much worse (somewhere else)." There have been many times when I have questioned every thing from where we work in Guatemala to working in Guatemala altogether. Because aren't things "worse" in some other villages in Guatemala than the one AAB works in? And aren't things "worse" in some other countries than in Guatemala? These are questions that have brought confusion and doubt into my life more times than I want to think about. They are doubts that the enemy loves to stir.
Because what is "worse"?
Who has the worst life...the millionaire that lives in the U.S. and appears to have it all, but does not have hope in eternity because he does not know Christ or the poorest man in the world that has nothing and yet has everything because He trusts in the Lord?
It goes back to what I have always known AAB has to be. We have to meet physical needs and in every thing that we do, we have to share the love of Christ, making Him known wherever we are because there is no hope without Him. That is nothing new for us, but that night I was left with a new perspective.
Two years ago this month we announced that AAB would be officially "launched" early the next year. Two months later, we were rolling. Slowly, but we were on our way. Since then we have been turned upside down and inside out. I have never in my life experienced so much personal growth in such a short period of time and am thankful that growth continues. We started AAB not knowing anything about this and admittedly still have no idea how to do a lot of what needs to be done. Our feet have slipped, doubts have rocked us to the core, confusion has threatened to bring it all to an end. Through it all I have never felt closer to God and never have I heard His voice so clearly as I have over the past couple of years. That night He answered a question I had been asking Him for more than a year even though the question was far from my mind that night.
There are to be no conditions in serving. Not for AAB anyway. Never again am I to say, "but the need is so much worse in (name a country)." Because no, it's not. There may be more physical hunger in countries all over Africa and even in Guatemala. Three meals a week sounds like need to us, but it would be an answered prayer to some children. Rotting plywood walls, flooded dirt floors and almost non-existent tin roofs may be better shelter than tents in Haiti. Highly contaminated water is better than no water at all. Poverty in a developing country is poverty. There is no reason to compare it to another. Needs must be met. We are commanded to love and serve our brothers and sisters in Christ. If we know that one of our brothers or sisters is in need, we have to do whatever we can to help them. What better way than walking with them, helping them lift themselves out of poverty.
And then there are those that do not know Him. I can honestly say that years ago, way back when I dreamed of serving orphans and people in need, I never thought about this. Meeting physical needs was all I was concerned about. Isn't it amazing how He reaches in, wakes you up and makes His plan clear? It wouldn't matter if physical poverty were not an issue in Pueblo Nuevo. We would continue to go back. Because there are more people there than we first realized that do not know Him.
"No conditions." No matter how bad things appear. No matter what physical needs exist. No matter if someone is a Christian or not. No matter what anyone thinks or says. We have to follow Him. We have to do our best to do what He calls us to. And He calls us to do what He did. To walk into the ugly. To walk into the darkness. To fight for justice. To love the poor AND the rich. To meet physical AND spiritual needs. Whatever is needed. Above all, to bring His love to the nations. To make Him known. And it doesn't matter where.
After all, isn't that what He does for each of us? Loves us unconditionally? No matter what our needs are, no matter what we have done or haven't done, no matter where we live or the color of our skin? He has no conditions for loving us. Oh how thankful I am for such a love as this!
We love Guatemala. I cannot imagine God ever calling us to leave Guatemala completely. He may and if He does I will forever believe that His plans are better than ours, but with the heart we have for the people of Guatemala I cannot imagine that happening any time soon. I believe that we will always work in Guatemala. But there is more. I don't know where He will take us, but I do know that because He loves us without condition, He calls us to do the same. For now it is Pueblo Nuevo. A small village where the need is great...greater than we first realized and greater in more ways than one.
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